What if the World Cup was controlled by FIFA players?

Evening TV is unrecognizable, Twitter is pouring scorn over anyone who talks over games and the correct pronunciation of the country has become In-gerrr-lund. The World Cup is in full swing and during the games where it can get a little dull – USA vs Ghana could as well have been twelve minutes and it would have been just as a fun – I’ve been daydreaming how the tournament would shake out if the great band of FIFA players were given the reins as managers. I reckon it would shake out something like this…

Just to get in you in the mood of course.

Group Stage 1: Brazil vs Croatia

After the customary ‘bantz’ while waiting for the teams to come out, both sides look ready to kick off the tournament, only for Croatia to spend the majority of the game moaning about Neymar being a “cheat” player and blaming every goal they concede on him. It doesn’t help when Brazil wind them up by the doing the “Sssh” celebration.

Brazil win 3-0. 

Group Stage 2: Honduras v Ecuador

Blimey, two teams who have come out to actually play the game without questioning the promiscuity of each other’s mothers! As an added bonus instead of sliding around as if the pitch was made of butter and baby oil, there’s a general respect and tactical approach to the way they’re playing! Shame neither team is going through to the later rounds though.

Score Draw 2-2.

Group Stage 3: Costa Rica v In-gerrr-lund

In-gerrr-lund need a win to go through and 1-1 in the 89th minute it’s looking unlikely. Unfortunately for Costa Rica, their manager convinces them to start trying to take the legs out of the English players, leaving Rooney to waltz through a parade of diving defenders and make it 2-1. The tabloids start oiling up the hype train…

In-gerrr-lund win 2-1

Half-time for this blog post.

Hey look, Germany! They're not a bad team, I won't sully them by mentioning them in this article.

Hey look, Germany! They’re not a bad team, I won’t sully them by mentioning them in this article.

Round of Sixteen: Italy v Japan

Disaster strikes the round of 16 where Italy go through by default. Word from the dressing rooms is that neither team were willing to play in their away kit and Japan rage quitted out of the World Cup as a protest. 

Italy get the default 3-0 win.

Quarter Final: Belgium v Argentina

Oh dear, it’s all going wrong for Argentina who concede two goals in the space of 8 minutes in the game. They finally have a chance to draw level near half-time, but the ball goes flying so far into space, Samus caught a glimpse of it. Argentina become the second team of the tournament to rage quit, making everyone question whether this was a good idea or not. (It really wasn’t).

Belgium chalk up a 3-0 win. 

Semi Final: USA v Italy

USA have somehow made it through this far, but up against a brutally fast Italian team, they’re expected to lose. But, you couldn’t script twists this outrageous – unless you’re David Cage – as Italy’s main tactic of playing ultra-defensively while hammering long through balls doesn’t work as the USA bother to pass the ball instead of hitting and hoping. Later Italian manager xXxhDsKilLzxXx confirms that he read about a glitch online and is outraged it didn’t work.

USA squeak it with a 2-1 win.

Final: USA v In-gerr-land

Patriotism sweeps the land as USA and In-gerr-land end up in the final, but with some terrible lag between the managers and players. There’s a stutter every five minutes, as the players wait to hear what their managers tell them to do. After 167 minutes – accounting for the lag – it goes to penalties and… USA accidentally turns their internet off, leaving In-gerrr-land the default winner. 

In-gerrr-lund are the champions of the world!

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