Michael De Santa’s Meltdown and other Vinewood reviews

Written originally for Nerve Magazine. I edited in some words for fun. 

Los Santos isn’t all murder, mayhem and objectionable morals. Most of the time, you’ll want to forgo the chaos and just sit back, relax and watch some of Vinewood’s finest cinematic achievements. So what would the reviews read like in GTA’s world? I wasn’t going to sit back and wonder for too long, so I got on my best creative writing cut-offs plus an old Bloc Party t-shirt and set to work on creating the sort of reviews that would have been written in Los Santos and Blaine County.

Capolavoro

Forin and Moodie’s masterpiece about… A cheating wife? A humble thief? A ladder that leads to nowhere? Capolavoro may be a little bit impenetrable, but it’s the sort of movie that all your hipster friends tell you they love but have secretly never watched. Shot in black and white with camera angles you never knew existed; Capolavoro is perfect for those of you who love pretentiousness masquerading as intelligence and films that treat story as a distraction. If you call it the cinema instead of the movies and think a flick is better because it has subtitles, this is the film for you.

The Loneliest Robot In Great Britain


Nothing says family entertainment like Fred’s animation and before the release of their next film (Neurotic Toys) comes The Littlest Robot In Great Britain, that captures the feel of British humour – lots of sarcasm and generous usage of the word wanker – while also giving us a tender lover story about a poor middle class robot who everybody mocks to his face. Will he ever get his pleasure droid wife to love him? Probably, this is animated after all, so make sure you bring along all the family for this classic tale that definitely won’t make your kids depressed.

Meltdown


A definitive moral tale of greed, friendship and monkeys driving cars set in the financial heart of Liberty City, Meltdown may have all been filmed all on green screen, but you’ll only notice 48% of the time, with the other 52% distracted by the auto-pilot acting! Its spin on the tale of Wall Street greed might be just added graphics, but when you have a monkey driving a car, who cares? Yes, it might have no “artistic merit” or “competent direction” but… actually, who are we kidding, there’s no good reason this should exist.

As always, you can leave me your thoughts in the comments section below. 

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